adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
