I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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