apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
