I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
do nipples grow back?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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