a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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