I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
