TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.