My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
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I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
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I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.