clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
