my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings