PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
