1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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