All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
