Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
