My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
