I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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