Pants 0. Shit 1.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
