then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
