just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
