My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
