Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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