Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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