This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
