when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
