at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
