oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
