The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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