Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
