id be glad to
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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