my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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