Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
