You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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