What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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