My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
