he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
