My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
