If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
