my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
