In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
