mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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