So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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