I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Houston, we have a squirter
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
