Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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