i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
