I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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