she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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