i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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