She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
