why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
