I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
