sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
