I swear god or herbie drove my car home
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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