The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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