You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
