god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
