Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
