I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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