You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
