My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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