the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
