New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
